Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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