Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
