I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
two words: eviction party
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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