My liver just broke up with me...
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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