Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
