i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
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