I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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