dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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