I think I won the penis lottery.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Randomize
