im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
