Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
