I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
be right there i have to get my cape
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
