Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Nobody cheats on THIS.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
