Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
