i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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