I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
