Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Soap is not a condiment
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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