i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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