Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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