Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
