remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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