Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
