my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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