I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Are my feet made of real feet?
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
