Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
