you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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