somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
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