Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
how do flat chested girls get laid?
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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