Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
