Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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