I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
