Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
