Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
