I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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