you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
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