You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
