YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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