just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
