Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Randomize
