I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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