I can text with my tongue
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
