Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I have already put on my inside pants.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
