you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
