im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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