YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
