dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
and she was petting her beer can
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
