i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize