I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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