I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
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