Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I need to stop coming to work sober
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
