last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize