I'm gonna have a badass scar
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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