i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
