There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
