I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
BRING THE BAGELS
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
