remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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