i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
