Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
