I want to make a zoo with you.
one might say we're banned from that church
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Randomize
