well I can't set my house on fire every night
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
