I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize