My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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